Throughout life , we are taught to remember the significant moments of life: First day of school, the day we graduate, our first kiss; the list goes on. Today is a significant to me in a way. Ten years ago my life changed forever. I was a common 15 year-old boy going through life as a teenager. I was adjusting to freshman year of high school, I was head over heels over a girl (my first major crush actually) but I was also dealing with personal problems as all teenage boys do. And then it happened.
May 20, 2000, started off just the same as other days but it ended up being a day that I won't forget. It started when my uncle came by the house to see my oldest brother and talk with him...at first I didn't think twice about it but there was a gravity in his demeanor that made me feel uneasy. Later that day my other older brother and my mother returned from a trip...I don't remember where they were but they also has a grim demeanor that only added to my own anxious feelings.
Eventually,my mother gathered all of the family together to tell us something. She told us my dad had been in an accident that took his life. I can't begin to describe how I felt at that moment, the best way I could put it is that I felt a hundred different emotions in one instant: shock. fear ,pain but most of all understanding. all the pieces fell in place and I saw why the others I saw earlier that day were grim.
As you would imagine, there were plenty of tears and emotions felt and sorted out that day and at the funeral we had later. On of the most difficult parts though was when I had to go back to school. I had to go back to life, pretending in a way nothing had changed but in reality everything had.
I never figured I was gonna be "that kid" who lost his dad and had everyone say a thousand different things to you to try and make you feel better. I hadn't just lost my parent, I lost a piece of myself that day. As it often does, time flew by; before I knew it I was 18 and ready to graduate but there was still that lingering piece of me I didn't have....I not only lost a parent , but I had lost countless moments where I needed a father figure to help me navigate the significant moments.....when I took that diploma, I didn't have a proud father with a camcorder there, when I had major feeling for a girl for the first time,I couldn't confide and ask for advice.
Now before I continue, I should stress something: I don't mean to write this as a means for people to feel sorry for me. I 'm not asking for a sympathy party. This is simply one of the final steps I need to take to fully move on. there have been countless times in my life I used my tragedy;sometimes on purpose and sometimes without even realizing as a way of elevating myself. I was of the opinion that because I saw and lived a life that so many others hadn't experienced I had something they hadn't. I don't mean to imply I was better then them I was just more battle hardened. And there lies one of my many flaws. Because I was so wrapped up in my own experiences, I never put myself in some of my friends shoes who though they hadn't lost all that I had, they still lost a piece of themselves.
I had several friends who had their dad walk out on them. Even though they didn't lose him to death they still lost him and deal with emotions I have to deal with except for they are reminded of the pain by actually seeing him. One of the objectives of this post was to apologize to these friends. I'm sorry I took your emotions for granted and minimized them in relation to my own. I'm sorry for the support I never gave you.
I guess the main message I'm trying top convey is that I'm through using my fathers death as an excuse for what I lack in life and for what I never got to experience. I would encourage those of you who share my experience to live life. I lost too many days hanging my head and wallowing in my sorrow. My father was a man with many faults ,but I know he would never have wanted me to miss out on life just because he wasn't there. I am no better then any other person for my past. It has given me perspective but not entitlement.
I would also leave a message to you who still have two loving parents: don't take them for granted. treasure every moment of your life with them by your side cause when their no longer gonna be there the things you never said and the "I love you's" you never uttered enough or at all will be your constant regret. I envy what you have, but I also beg you to take advantage of it.
In closing, I wish to convey one last message to my father: Dad, these ten years have been the worst years of my life but they have also been the best. Thank you for being my "buddy". It means the world to me that despite your faults, you loved me and my family with all your heart. Thank you for teaching me lessons in your absence that make me want to not only better myself for our family name but to succeed where you wanted to but couldn't. I look forward to seeing you someday but in the meantime, I'll try my best to make you proud. I love you always.
In memory of Scott Alan Beckstrand
(1958-2000)
